


Charity, Dipstick, Gland, Mime

by SaltyStylus (oj_lod)



Category: Haikyuu!!, 終わりのセラフ | Owari no Seraph | Seraph of the End
Genre: Character Death, Co-Written, Crack, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Humor, Internalized Homophobia, It's not heavy, M/M, No Smut, Really Bad Humor, crack ship, i wrote this on a bus with two other anime nerds, inappropriate usage of the word dipstick, innuendos, making fun of some bad yaoi tropes, sexual miming, that's all the rating's for, the noun game, this is just crack guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 21:09:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12490896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oj_lod/pseuds/SaltyStylus
Summary: Once upon a time, three teenagers were on a bus together. They were bored, and decided to write a fic together, by using multiple random generators and taking turns writing, they birthed the horrors you will see.Mika just wants to play yaoi dating sims and do charity work, but his co-worker Oikawa has...other things in mind. Hell ensues.





	Charity, Dipstick, Gland, Mime

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> For context: Some friends of mine got bored on a road trip, so we used a random noun generator (the title) to find a prompt, and a random pairing generator to create a crack ship for us. Then we took turns being awful. The result is what you see below.

“Mika-chan!” Oikawa looked up at Mika through his eyelashes. “Come help me with the boxes from the charity!”  
“Ugh, but I wanted to go play dating sims alone for 14 hours. I'm not gay.”  
“Mika-chan, that's what I thought 5 years ago. You'll come out of the closet one day.” Oikawa smirked at the other boy’s blushing face. “Besides, how could anyone not be drawn in by my incredible allure?”  
“I'm prettier than you anyway.”  
“Keep on telling yourself that,” Oikawa said, waving a hand tauntingly. “But I mean, if you want to keep aggressively confirming your ‘heterosexuality’ then that's your choice.”  
Mika sighed and continued playing his dating sim.  
“And you get that the character on your dating sim is also a male, right? I have no heterosexual explanation for that…” Oikawa’s voice faltered.  
“I have no heterosexual explanation for your face!” Mika snapped.  
“I don't think that sounded as straight as you think it sounded. Anyway, Mika-chan, I don't know if you noticed, but my face literally radiates gay. Iwa-chan still only sees rainbow when he looks at me.”  
Mika laughed. Then, he pouted slightly.  
“You're always talking about ‘Iwa-chan’. How come you never talk about me, Oikawa-san?”  
“Hmm.” Oikawa pressed a finger to his lips in exaggerated thought. “Well, you're always talking about ‘Yuu-chan’ aren't you? Can't heterosexual bros talk about heterosexual bros?” His voice was dripping sarcasm.  
“Y-Yuu-chan and I are brothers! You should be ashamed of yourself!” Mika cried. But he couldn't hide the fact that his face was bright red.  
“Could've fooled me,” Oikawa told him.  
“I can see the red on your face. I'm sure those dating sims have taught you about dating. Why not you show me?”  
“I--um…” Mika floundered for a moment. “Ah, here! We should put away the things the car company donated! Like uh, there dipsticks!”  
“Dipsticks, you say, Mika-chan? Because there are plenty of things I can show you with my dipstick, if you know what I mean.” Mika made a noise that was a combination between wheezing and choking. “There are some areas I’d like to check the… depth of,” Oikawa purred.  
“Oikawa-san, don't be such a pervert!” He muttered, eyes downcast. “Let's just finish sorting,” he gave Oikawa a furious glare “the dipsticks.”  
“Aww, Mika-chan, don't be such a spoilsport!” Oikawa whined. “Aren't you a teenager like me? We have hormones, you know. Are you just going to leave those glands of yours unsatisfied like that?”  
“Totally not sexy now,” Mika muttered.  
“Oh? But that implies I was sexy to you, doesn't it?” Mika spluttered, caught. “That's what I thought.”  
“Ugh! Just … go back to doing something as unsexy as possible!” Oikawa smirked.  
“Oh, but Mika-chan, I can make anything sexy! Like,” he trailed off searching for an example. “miming!”  
Mika attempted to get up and quickly walk away, but Oikawa held onto his legs. “Oh, no, Mika-chan, you're not leaving now.” Mika visibly paled. Oikawa smiled, the sharp slant of his mouth going silent as he began to mime. His eyes opened wide as his hands pressed up against nonexistent walls. Oikawa tried to get up, but there were nonexistent walls above him! Oikawa struggled valiantly against the nonexistent walls, but they lowered, crushing him to the ground. Mika fought a blush. Why was it so… so attractive?! Oikawa looked up from his position on the floor, his eyes a silent plea for Mika’s attention. Mika glared down at him. Silent tears streamed down Oikawa’s face. Mika turned away and left. The nonexistent walls pressed down on Oikawa harder, choking him. Oikawa couldn't breathe. The nonexistent walls crushed Oikawa to death.


End file.
